The term ‘friends with benefits’ is often misused. Most of the time, the people involved are not actually interested in being friends, they are only interested in finding someone to have casual sex with.
Your situation is different – you are old friends. You’re in the same situation and adding a sexual element to the relationship has benefits for both of you.
If you and your friend are clear from the outset about the boundaries, this is probably the least complicated way for the two of you to satisfy your need for sexual intimacy.
Divorce, especially when you have not instigated it, is a huge blow and most people try to repair their self-esteem by replacing the spouse-shaped hole in their life as quickly as possible.
The desire to fill the gap makes many people less choosy, and we all know someone who has made a rebound commitment in haste. Viewed through that lens, a relationship with someone you know, like and trust seems to be a much safer and smarter decision.
In theory, whatever gets you through the night is all right, but in practice, it can get complicated. First, the reality of turning a friendship into something sexual can be more difficult than the decision to do so.
You can’t manufacture sexual chemistry and if you’ve never fancied each other, you may find that the sex doesn’t quite go to plan. Take things slowly and agree to stick to skin-to-skin contact until you both feel comfortable and are sure you want more.
Just being naked with your friend may satisfy some of your longing for intimacy. Touch is one of the most underrated and powerful ways to improve physical and mental wellbeing.
In a study at Syracuse University, couples were asked to imagine they were sitting next to their spouse discussing an area of ongoing disagreement in their relationship.
One group was given a script in which their partner offered social support. The other group was given a script that involved their partner touching them affectionately.
The participants who imagined they were being touched anticipated experiencing lower stress and greater satisfaction after the interaction than participants in the social support group.
If you can make this work and it makes you both happy then go for it, but it’s important to think about the friendship when the benefits end.
Life doesn’t stand still and you or she may get involved with someone new. You may be fine with the fact that your relationship was once sexual, but a new partner may not be so comfortable and that could make it difficult to sustain your friendship.
It’s also true that once a relationship has become sexual, it can be hard to reverse engineer it back into a friendship. So, if your friendship is the thing that you both value most, you may be better off using dating apps.
Of course, it’s also entirely possible that your friends-with-benefits arrangement will lead to a deeper connection.
You obviously get on very well and if the sex turns out to be good too, what could be better?
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