No! Toddlers use this word a lot, as do teenagers. So why is it that once we grow up and enter the workforce, many of us find it hard to say no to our employers, colleagues and clients?
Learning to refuse requests for help can be one of the most challenging skills to master. A 2015 LinkedIn study of more than 19,000 professionals worldwide found that younger workers struggle with it the most. Some 58% of 18 to 29-year-olds described themselves as a ‘yes person’ who always did what they were asked.
Sarah Courtney: “These days, when I’m asked to do something, I stop to question why I should do it and whether a yes or a no is the response that makes most sense.” Picture: David Conachy
Dubliner Sarah Courtney, 47, remembers struggling to say no. She used to work in HR but now offers coaching services to new parents returning to the workplace.
“I definitely found it hard to say no when I was younger,” she says. “I think it’s a learned behaviour. No is one of a baby’s first words but over time, we’re rewarded more for saying yes than we are for saying no. We learn that people like us more when we’re helpful. So we develop our ability to say yes more than our skill to say no. We can even come to fear what might happen if we were to say no, worrying that we’d disappoint our colleagues or let down our boss.”
Christian van Nieuwerburgh: “We say yes in order to please people and to be liked.”
Dr Christian van Nieuwerburgh, a professor of coaching and positive psychology at the RCSI University of Medicine and Health Sciences, thinks it’s in our nature to say yes more often than no.
“We say yes in order to please people and to be liked,” he says. “We want to avoid conflict, which makes us pull back from saying no.”
Yet, constantly saying yes isn’t always in our best interests. Dr Wladislaw Rivkin, an associate professor in organisational behaviour at Trinity College Dublin, believes it can even be detrimental to our careers.
“It can result in being asked to do extra work all the time, with potentially negative implications for your workload and wellbeing,” he says.
Rivkin has carried out research which shows that having the ability and agency to say no is crucial.
Dr Wladislaw Rivkin: “The possibility of expressing emotions in written communication like email is limited. I recommend a brief Zoom call or a face-to-face meeting instead.”
“If people say yes of their own volition, this shouldn’t pose a problem,” he says. “However, if they actually want to refuse a request but feel internally or externally pressured to say yes, then fulfilling that request requires controlling their inherent impulses and emotions.”
This self-control depletes their psychological resources. “Over time, this depletion can result in burnout, depression and anxiety as well as lower performance, lower subsequent helping behaviours at work and more counterproductive work behaviours such as taking longer breaks or thinking badly about one’s organisation,” says Rivkin.
To avoid becoming overwhelmed by overwork, you need to know when it’s possible to say no.
“There are some requests you simply can’t refuse,” says van Nieuwerburgh. “If it’s part of your job description, a contractual obligation, or a reasonable request by your line manager or employer, you’re obliged to say yes. But if it’s a favour, outside work hours or an additional request, you can say no.”
Once you’re sure you have the right to say no, you need to decide if you should. “Ask yourself if you have the capacity to do so,” says van Nieuwerburgh.
Remember that you are part of a team and that there will come a time when you too require help, says Rivkin. “I wouldn’t advise saying no all the time as this will have implications for your relationships at work and may make others more likely to withdraw their social support from you.”
He also suggests thinking through exactly what’s involved in the request before arriving at a definitive answer. This process may include asking questions.
“You might ask your manager how you should fit this additional task in considering your other responsibilities,” says Rivkin. “Or you might enquire about reordering priorities. For example, if you have to do this specific task this week, could another be moved to next week instead?”
The answers to these questions will help you decide if your answer is yes or no. If it’s the latter, our experts suggest tips on the most effective ways of saying it so that you assert your boundaries while also maintaining your professional reputation.
Be straightforward, says van Nieuwerburgh. “Be clear in explaining the practical reasons why you are saying no. And keep your explanation brief.”
Recommending alternatives can help you continue being seen as a team player. “A response like: ‘I’m not able to help you with this today, but I can find some time next week if that works for you’ could sound better than a straight-up, no,” he says. “You’ll come across as more helpful if you offer options.”
Refusing and then being persuaded to give in may set a precedent that makes it even more difficult for you to say no next time. “That’s not a good outcome,” says van Nieuwerburgh. “Saying no is one thing. Sticking to your decision once you’ve said it is just as important.”
Rivkin adds that it’s best to say no in person. “The possibility of expressing emotions in written communication like email is limited,” he says. “I recommend a brief Zoom call or a face-to-face meeting instead.”
He also refers to a Cornell University study published this year which showed that people find it easier to say no if they have taken time to develop some scripts in advance.
“This suggests we might benefit from dedicating some time to writing down some phrases and practising them in front of the mirror,” he says.
Van Nieuwerburgh agrees. “Crafting and practising a phrase you are comfortable with can really help,” he says. “Something like: ‘I’m probably not the best person to do this. Let me think who else could help in this situation.’”
Over the years, Courtney has developed some tips and tactics. “I’m now a mum of two with my own business, so I have a lot going on,” she says. “I’ve had to learn how to say no. These days, when I’m asked to do something, I stop to question why I should do it and whether a yes or a no is the response that makes most sense.”
She helps clients do likewise and finds that mums returning to work after maternity leave often experience difficulty saying no. “Lots of them think that they have to prove themselves all over again when they return from leave,” she says. “This leads to them saying yes too often, even when they should be saying no.”
Courtney’s solution to this problem is to shift perspective. “I get my clients to look at the flip side, at what they are saying no to when they say yes to more work, at what else they could be doing in that time,” she says. “Are they saying no to more important work, more time with their family, or their own self-care? I ask them if that fits with their values and priorities. It’s so important to be aware of our personal priorities and values as they help us recognise when we have to say no.”
Courtney reassures her clients that saying no gets easier over time, even for the most committed people pleasers. “The first time you say it, it won’t feel good,” she says. “You might even lose a night’s sleep over it. But just like doing reps in the gym makes muscles stronger, saying no often enough and being clear about why you are saying it eventually makes it easier for the word to come out of your mouth. We can all master the art of saying no.”
