We agreed — no marriage, no kids — but I feel my partner is changing his mind

It was never something I wanted, even when I was a child, and I was so happy to meet someone who held the same views as me.  

There are so many reasons not to have children, I get frustrated that I’m seen as the weird one. 

The environmental impact, the finances, and honestly, I feel I’m too selfish to have a child – but at least I am honest. 

I see so many bad parents, I feel maybe there should be a test before you can become a mother or a father! 

I see my friends and my sisters frazzled and wrecked, and I don’t want to give up so much of myself for another person. 

I love my nieces and nephews but could not fathom being responsible for another human being in that way. 

My sister has a child who is autistic, they are non-verbal, and will never live independently. I know the worry of what will happen when they are too old to care for her is enormous. 

The problem is my partner started making comments about us getting married – which I am vehemently against – it’s an outdated concept, and he knows how I feel. 

He recently said something about having our own baby as a joke, but I’m getting the feeling he is changing his mind. We are together 13 years – how can I manage this without losing him? 

Your letter tells a story of two halves — in the first part, the lines are very clear, and towards the end, your foundation is a little shaky.

From what I can see, there is nothing broken here, and if all is communicated properly, things can stay the same as before — but you do have some work to do.

You’re 37 years of age, and seem to have everything going in the right direction, in a great relationship, loving the job and as free as a bird.

You have a strong pact made with your partner from the beginning not to have kids. You have many reasons not to have them and if that is what you and your partner want, that is 100% fine.

You don’t and shouldn’t have to explain this to anyone else, it’s nobody’s business but yours. I’d be frustrated too if I was seen as the ‘weird one’ for any of the decisions I’ve made in my life and again, it’s nobody’s business, so you must ignore them.

People will say what they want these days and has become the norm, and everybody must deal with that.

You can confront people about issues but that can lead to an argument and God knows after, but I have said to people, ‘that is none of your business’ and people do back off. I’d read the room first.

I love your honesty when you say you’re too selfish to have children, you’re not trying to fool anyone, not even yourself, and I like that.

You do speak of ‘bad parents’, and yes, they do exist, but I can tell you that the vast majority of parents are the best of people, and all they want is for their children to be happy and healthy.

So, when thinking of parents, please think of the good and great ones. I’ve seen those parents too, and I’m one of them looking frazzled and tired, but the reward of seeing your child happy is worth every second of it.

I know this might seem weird but that is the payoff. I didn’t know about this until our fella came along, and then the penny dropped with me.

It is great that you have nieces and nephews, and I know lots of people just like yourself who are happy to be able to hand them back after a day.

Again, this is normal, and yes, being responsible for another human is a very big deal, and as we know it’s not everybody’s cup of tea.

Now before I get on to your partner sending flares up in the air, I would like to chat about your sister who has an autistic child.

That poor lady probably never has a minute to herself, God knows what goes through her mind every minute of every day. You need to be there for her.

You know what she goes through as you’ve outlined in your letter, and feeling sorry for her is not enough.

You should chat with her about this, and ask how you can help out on a regular basis.

I’m not trying to get you to spend more time with children to try and convince you to want to have children, I just think it would be a great help to your sister and family and I know you’d get something out of it too.

Now your partner of 13 years is making comments about getting married and you’re vehemently against this. I would really love to know why, what’s the reason? Is this more than ‘outdated’ for you?

Anyway, what’s the real difference between living with someone for 40 years and being married these days? Outside of tax issues when one of you dies, nothing, really.

If you do have property, etc. together, one of you might get nailed with tax at some stage, so check that out.

He is also ‘joking’ about a baby. What if he is joking about these, and what if he’s not? There is only one way to find out — ask him.

Don’t presume or assume anything. You need to ask him straight out. It might be his way of asking you if you have changed your mind, he might be putting out a few feelers, I don’t know and neither do you, so ask him straight out. He might be just venting.

Before you chat to him, ask yourself what your bottom line is. Would you settle for marrying him without kids, or is it going to be like the last referendum result here, NO/NO?

You really need to think about that, and that will answer your last question on how to ‘manage this without losing him’.

Think before you jump. You’re in control here, and go at a pace that suits you and even though your partner knows how you feel about all of this, things rarely stay the same, so be on guard.